What's In a Name

In my last post, I mentioned the name I was given at birth. Few who did not know me before my gender transition have heard that name before. At one time I referred to that as my “dead name” but not anymore. I suppose with age, I’ve processed the pain I felt during those years. I’m also very comfortable in heart and soul, and I suppose that past does not feel so threatening. It’s a bit like gender transition, when early on I strove to live the feminine energies within, ignoring the rest. I believe many of us possess both the feminine and the masculine within but gender roles and expectations tend to polarize us.

My birth name was Grady Roland Wicks II, named after my father. It served as a good place holder while I sorted out who I really was. I went by Roland during those years, but please do not call me that now. I think the reason why is obvious, but for those who do not understand, it negates the gender journey I had to take to be true to self.

In the Hebrew Bible in the book of Bereshit (Genesis), we see people regularly changing names as their roles within the Biblical narrative comes to fruition. Abram becomes Abraham which means exalted father, father of a nation. Jacob (which means supplanter, held by the heel) becomes Israel (he who struggled with G-d and prevailed). Sarai is renamed Sarah etc. It was clear that names in those days had meaning, and I believe still do.

Most of us carry the name that was chosen by our family, though some do change their name. My wife for instance did not care for her middle name, so she took the name Willobeth for her middle name, in tribute to a beloved aunt in my family. I’ve been blest in this life to get to choose my name not once but twice in this lifetime. When I began transition, I chose the name Jessica Rolanda Wicks. This was by a court order which also changed my gender identifier on my documents. I go by Jessica or Jessi or Jess, but my legal name is Jessica. My reasoning was simple. I have always appreciated women who are strong in mind and heart. There was a news reporter at the time named Jessica Savitch. Then there were other Jessicas, like Jessica Tandy and Jessica Lange, strong women in their own right. Rolanda was chosen to carry that piece of my former life going forward.

But… another opportunity for a name change presented itself. When I completed my conversion to Judaism, we are called to choose a Jewish name. I spent some time soul searching that one. But eventually I did. My first name is יסכה (Yiskah). It means foresight, being able to see the potential in the future. She is mentioned only once in Genesis 11:29, the daughter of Haran, niece of Abraham. That she was mentioned suggests her importance at the time, perhaps as a prophetess in that small community. It can be pronounced Yiskah or Iskah. It is the earliest form of the name Jessica. My middle name is רחל, Rachel, which means Ewe or Sheep in Hebrew, but my derivation is my Mother’s name. Her name was Rachel, and to me it represented a tremendous inner strength and is a tribute to her memory. While her feelings about homosexuality, never mind transgender were clear, and she once said that should she ever find out either my ex or I was gay, she would go to court to take our daughter. So I could never share that with her, but regardless she was in so many ways a good woman and her strength in the midst of adversity was an amazing teacher for all that was to come. We became quite close in her later years and I miss her terribly. My father taught me to debate and see both sides of an argument. My Mother taught me how to cook, and served as a model of inner strength. So today I am known alternatively as Jessica or Yiskah Rachel, and this woman found herself in the experiences of the woman formerly known as Roland. Names mattered to the patriarchs and matriarchs, and to me as well.